POST- MISCARRIAGE PERIOD

I kept telling myself that this is not a pregnancy..I just need some time to recuperate at home. At home I was greeted with loneliness and the urge to feel normal again. I marked books, I slept, did some facebooking until my butt felt sore to make that emptiness go away.  Am I in denial?

     The night I came home from the hospital, both of us slept in each other's arm. I asked him" Are we sad?" "No, I'm just glad that you are ok" was the reply. I was relieved because there was no pressure and urgency for this pregnancy to materialise. ..Or so I thought..

 The day after I came back from the hospital, a friend sent a sms of how sorry she felt for me and gave me her words of encouragement. Immediately, I was flooded with sadness..I hugged Walid and cried in his arms. He reminded me of our conversation earlier. At the back of my conscious mind, I knew it was not meant to be, emotionally I knew I was not sad for losing the pregnancy. Then why did I cry? Was I in one of those mood swings?

     Chris called up just now to check whether I was alright. Of course I was ok..nothing was wrong except probably I need to open up and talk about this episode. We talked about a lot of things...That seemed to clear my head from the things I should not think about.

      I'm fine..in case you are wondering.....:)

SUFFERING FROM A MISCARRIAGE

Throughout my life, this was my first miscarriage . The word miscarriage itself was awkward to me because I didn't actually think I was pregnant. When the clerk at the counter asked "Ini anak ke berapa, Puan?" I was stunned. I could see people around me in pink gowns chattering away with each other merrily about babies and here I was still trying to comprehend what was happening to my own body.

      I was not sad to lose this pregnancy. Aku redha. Read THIS then you will understand. Things happen for a reason. When the gynecologist called me in and scanned my uterus, she confirmed that everything that should come out had came out. I felt a sense of relief. We had a lengthy discussion about being pregnant again. I was reminded that wanting to be pregnant again should be a conscious effort starting from now. I can't leave to chance anymore. As I am over 35 now, the possibility of a problematic pregnancy is higher. I came out from the room, and sat with same group of ladies earlier. It turned out that all of us shared the same fate.. one  lady who was chirpy earlier was quite sad..she wanted the pregnancy really bad..i really pitied her

      When everything was settled..i bid them farewell..surprisingly all of us hugged each other as if we had known each other for years...one thing for sure..all of us understood what each of us felt...

Implantation bleeding

This past few weeks had been by far the most turbulent weeks for me. Initially, at the start of Ramadan, I thought I was having my regular period. It was odd however when it came out very little and brownish or sometimes blackish. I thought it was because I started drinking green tea and royal jelly. On the urging of my maid, I stopped this ritual, still nothing happened. My period was the same, brownish. After 12 days, some friends suggested that I should do a pregnancy test. I thought it was silly, but my curiosity got the better of me. I did it anyway and to my surprise, there were two lines although the other one was barely visible. I got curious and read up on the internet. I found out about Implantation Bleeding. I was actually really pregnant! After 4 years! Imagine that..
    I was a bit worried though because the spotting on my panties had increased. The next day, i went to a clinic, and after an UPT and a scan, still the doctors were not sure whether I was really pregnant as it was too early. I was told to come again next week. The next day, at work, I experienced severe pain. I noticed there were a lot of blood on my pad. Instinctively, I knew something was not right. I drove home and when I was in the toilet i noticed two lumps of goo and blood came out after I experinced severe pain. I called up the doctor, she asked me whether the thing that came out resembled fish gut. It WAS! I had to go to the hospital quick!
       Was I sad? I'm not sure..Do I really want to be pregnant? Yes..but still I have doubts...

JAPANESE SAVOURY BREAD

It has been ages since i last baked these buns..why? because to me it is a bit tedious as the dough seemed to have strange fondness to stick on my fingers...why is it that way? probably i added a lot of liquid in the mixture and for some irrepressed consciousness  i refused to calculate the amount of water. although at the back of my mind i knew that i had to do that to ensure the buns will come out prettily...

oh well...the buns did not last long. the longest was until the next day...nobody is complaining. so why should i complain :)

(yay! this is the point where u readers should congratulate me for finally able to put up a pic here...ahahhahah..my first successful attempt)