SUFFERING FROM A MISCARRIAGE

Throughout my life, this was my first miscarriage . The word miscarriage itself was awkward to me because I didn't actually think I was pregnant. When the clerk at the counter asked "Ini anak ke berapa, Puan?" I was stunned. I could see people around me in pink gowns chattering away with each other merrily about babies and here I was still trying to comprehend what was happening to my own body.

      I was not sad to lose this pregnancy. Aku redha. Read THIS then you will understand. Things happen for a reason. When the gynecologist called me in and scanned my uterus, she confirmed that everything that should come out had came out. I felt a sense of relief. We had a lengthy discussion about being pregnant again. I was reminded that wanting to be pregnant again should be a conscious effort starting from now. I can't leave to chance anymore. As I am over 35 now, the possibility of a problematic pregnancy is higher. I came out from the room, and sat with same group of ladies earlier. It turned out that all of us shared the same fate.. one  lady who was chirpy earlier was quite sad..she wanted the pregnancy really bad..i really pitied her

      When everything was settled..i bid them farewell..surprisingly all of us hugged each other as if we had known each other for years...one thing for sure..all of us understood what each of us felt...

Implantation bleeding

This past few weeks had been by far the most turbulent weeks for me. Initially, at the start of Ramadan, I thought I was having my regular period. It was odd however when it came out very little and brownish or sometimes blackish. I thought it was because I started drinking green tea and royal jelly. On the urging of my maid, I stopped this ritual, still nothing happened. My period was the same, brownish. After 12 days, some friends suggested that I should do a pregnancy test. I thought it was silly, but my curiosity got the better of me. I did it anyway and to my surprise, there were two lines although the other one was barely visible. I got curious and read up on the internet. I found out about Implantation Bleeding. I was actually really pregnant! After 4 years! Imagine that..
    I was a bit worried though because the spotting on my panties had increased. The next day, i went to a clinic, and after an UPT and a scan, still the doctors were not sure whether I was really pregnant as it was too early. I was told to come again next week. The next day, at work, I experienced severe pain. I noticed there were a lot of blood on my pad. Instinctively, I knew something was not right. I drove home and when I was in the toilet i noticed two lumps of goo and blood came out after I experinced severe pain. I called up the doctor, she asked me whether the thing that came out resembled fish gut. It WAS! I had to go to the hospital quick!
       Was I sad? I'm not sure..Do I really want to be pregnant? Yes..but still I have doubts...

JAPANESE SAVOURY BREAD

It has been ages since i last baked these buns..why? because to me it is a bit tedious as the dough seemed to have strange fondness to stick on my fingers...why is it that way? probably i added a lot of liquid in the mixture and for some irrepressed consciousness  i refused to calculate the amount of water. although at the back of my mind i knew that i had to do that to ensure the buns will come out prettily...

oh well...the buns did not last long. the longest was until the next day...nobody is complaining. so why should i complain :)

(yay! this is the point where u readers should congratulate me for finally able to put up a pic here...ahahhahah..my first successful attempt)

ISTIQAMAH..they called it...i called it..when you are bored...u bake cake...banana cake!

hmmmm...it has been ages since i came here and update my blog...i could see some cobwebs in the corner..it is amusing to realise how time flies yet a lot of things still remain the same....for example...i thought that by having a blog will make me more focus and will help me put my thoughts down...yet i remain the same...
  a few days ago i decided to bake a banana cake...this is  the only cake the kids will eat apart from chocolate cake....funnily enough it turned out ok...just picture this ...a mother frantically mixing the ingredients with an overzealous 3 year-old who wanted to help...i remembered the last time i baked a banana cake was when widad poured a ladle full of green curry on top of my cooling banana cake...
anyway....i'm actually in the Deepavalli mode...not planning to do anything fancy...maybe bake a few sausage rolls and a few steam choc cake....oh yeah...will write on that soon...

stealing my precious times............

i haven't got the time to update this blog though my heart is screaming to do so...lately i have experimented with a lot of recipes which sometimes proved disasterous given the fact that i changed the ingredient according to my whim and fancy...but they eventually turned ok...the kids walloped the whole thing...


i am actually waiting for my choc bread to proof...i have a few minutes left before i start baking them...
so far i tried baking pumpkin loaf bread...A DISASTER...the bread turned out to be extra yellow...scary i tell u!
as for potato bun..i used to buy and use potato flakes for my potato bun..but the past few days i couldn't find them anywhere near rawang...so i decided to substitute it with mashed potato...the dough was too soggy...sticking everywhere,...making me curse myself even more...
but the end result made my nostril flared with pride....the kids, cik esah and walid loved them....suffice to say i was proud with my escapade...


woops! time's up...got to go to bake the choc buns now...toodles!

hematuria...or whatever they call it

i'm not feeling well these past few days..after the banana cake incident a baked another cake... chocolate mud cake..which really look like a whitish mud..because halfway through baking i realised i had ran out dark choc...what a mess! 

personally i thought it did not taste that good but the kids and hubby said..its good...so probably its good..i don't know...

two days ago..i started to have this funny feeling..everytime i urinate..i feel like i want to urinate over and over again...this feeling continued well into midnight when i finally urinate with 2 drops of blood..i'm like...uh ooo...this is not good...i searched the internet and i read in some website it only hematuria and probably just urinary tract infection....when i woke up the next morning..i started pissing blood...my urine looked murky..at one point..it did really looked bloody..at that point onwards...i started to feel pain severely whenever i urinate...now i'm on medication..i still occasionally feel the pain although it is not as painful as before...the moral lesson that you should learn from this story is, get yourself tested and not wait till the last minute like yours truly....

BANDAR TASIK PUTERI EARTHQUAKE AND ERUPTION

this entry has nothing to do with any natural disaster that happened recently...just to relate to an event that happened yesterday....

 sufi has been nagging me  about a promise i made to her...she kept complaining that i only baked chocolate cake...she wanted her banana cake...

so a day before yesterday.. i bought  a comb of bananas.. and let them ripe for a day... i planned to bake the cake after i finished with tuition...(yes... poor me have to cari makan first)...when i got everything ready...i started baking...i could feel disaster started to tap at my door..it started with not having any castor sugar...but i told myself...never mind i'll make do with what i have...i used brown sugar...then after a while, i realised that i didn't have enough vegetable oil...so i just substituted with cooking oil...(pemalas betul nak pegi beli)

then ....i normally baked cakes at 175-180 degrees... but i decided to to bake according to the recommended temperature around 160 degrees...(oh boy! i'm in a great surprise!)

the cake took a long time to bake...almost an hour...when it finally came out from the oven...it has huge holes as big as the craters on walid's face...(i kid you not!)..well is that the end of my story? hell no...more disasters coming up...

i started to have this sinking bad feeling in my tummy...but i reminded myself "that's what you get when you bake in a hurry"

i put the cake on a rack to cool...my usual drill...

without me noticing it...widad went to the dining table where i put the cake...took one scoop of kuah masak lemak ikan and poured it on top of my COOLING CAKEEEEEE!!!! ARGHHHHH!!! ARGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! NO!! NO!!! NO!!!

i lost it! i went ballistic and screamed my lungs out. i didn't care it was almost maghrib...i beat the crap out of her..and if it was not for Cik Esah...widad would probably ended up in a hospital ward......

everytime i look at the cake now..i felt this extreme anger at it...i wanted to throw it away but walid said we should not waste food...*sigh* *sigh* *sigh*